Scotch Whiskies You Probably Can’t Afford

This badass motherlover was part of a fire at the Seagram Waterloo Distillery in Ontario where only a few barrels survived. The ones that did were bottled up to commemorate Queen Elizabeth II’s visit to the 2007 Kentucky Derby. God save that whisky-loving Queen.

Mortlach 70: £10,000 (about $16,500)

Glenfiddich 50: $16,000

Glenfiddich does not muck around. This baby is limited to 500 individually numbered, hand-blown glass bottles decorated in Scottish silver. The bottles are packaged in leather-bound cases, each accompanied by a book and a signed certificate. What it doesn’t come with: someone to do your taxes.

Highland Park 50: £10,500 (about $17,300)

At about the price of a brand new Honda Civic, the Highland Park 50 arrives in a hand-carved oak box, with a sterling silver porthole (yeah, yeah, yeah). Inside, the bottle is encased in an intricate weave of sterling silver. At 44.8% alcohol and only 275 bottles made, you better hope that silver keeps this precious bottle safe. Who needs a car when you can have this?

Glenlivet 70: £13,000 (about $21,500)

Oh, the Glenlivet 70, where only 100 full-size bottles are available for purchase. Distilled in February 1940, the bottle comes in a tear-shaped, hand-blown crystal decanter with a silver stopper and base, and a handmade box crafted from Scottish Elm. The liquid is described as “stupendous,” “smooth,” and “voluptuous” single malt. Coincidentally, those adjectives are used to describe me, too.

The Macallan 1926: $54,000

I do loves me some Macallan. This whisky was bottled in 1986 then re-bottled in 2002, and auctioned in 2007 at Christie’s in New York. The auction was the first liquor auction allowed in New York state since the prohibition in 1920, and the Macallan was only expected to sell for between $20,000 and $30,000. Pffft, little did those people know.

Dalmore 62: $58,000

Half the price of its 64-year-old counterpart, this Highland single malt was distilled in Inverness, Scotland, where only 12 bottles were produced in 1943 from four casks in 1868, 1876, 1926, and 1939. Legend has it, some Surrey businessman paid over $58,000 for a bottle of the stuff. What the legend did not include is how I can contact this supposed businessman.

Dalmore 64 Trinitas: £100,000 (about $165,450)

The successor to the near-mythic Dalmore 62, there are only three bottles of the Dalmore 64 Trinitas (hence the name) and the liquid history bottle goes for £100,000. A blend of very rare stocks, this is the first Scotch to sell for six figures. If you’d rather spend your money elsewhere (lame!), you can choose to buy a three bedroom country home in Texas instead.

Windsor Diamond Jubilee: $257,870

Diageo, the major booze company, set the price for South Korea’s most expensive whisky, $257,870 per bottle, after being fined $154 million by the South Korean tax authorities for illegal dealings with unlicensed wholesalers. The company produced 12 bottles of the stuff in Scotland, and also sell 700ml bottles of the gem, at $14,000 a pop. Who’s down for a tasting?

The Macallan 64 in Lalique: $460,000

Presented in a one-of-a-kind Cire Perdue decanter by Lalique, with 1.5 liters of the Macallan 64, this precious liquid (and yeah, the decanter—whatever) sold at a Sotheby’s New York auction for $460,000. The proceeds all went to charity: water, a non-profit organization that works to bring clean drinking water to developing countries. As if you needed another reason to drink whisky.

Master of Malt: £870,000 (about $1,400,000)

Ah, yes, the crème de la crème, the pièce de résistance, la boisson la plus étonnante dans le monde… ahem. This liquid’s been stewing for 105 years! One hundred and five years! First distilled in February 1906 at the Aisla T’Orten distiller, this is another story where the cask survived a fire. It’s odd; I won’t drink water that’s been sitting out for a day, but 105 years? Sure, pour me three-fingers’ worth, no ice… and make it snappy, garçon!